October 14

October 14, 2018. That was supposed to be the day I would meet my first child. Instead it ended in us losing that little one only 5 weeks into the pregnancy. 2018 ended up being a year of trauma, sadness and healing for me.

The end of January I got the faintest positive test you’ve ever seen. I was so happy that morning I went to Old Navy to grab some little onsies and got hubby a card and wrote a poem from one of our favorite shows in it. We were so happy and excited, the due date was October 14, only three days after my dad’s and the baby would be a Libra which I am used to being around (my sister and dad are both Libras haha). We told everyone we were so excited. But we always put the disclaimer that it’s still early so anything could happen.

Six days later “anything” happened. I began spotting two days after my positive test, then a few days later, I miscarried. We even went to the ER to make sure I was okay. By the time we got there, nothing was there. I couldn’t even look at the ultrasound machine screen I was so upset. And then we had to call everyone we had told. It was sad to have to repeat it over and over again. I never thought I would cry on the phone with my father in law.

My employer (the mom of the kids I nannied for, who is one of my closest friends) let me have a couple days off. I didn’t go to work at her house but I took two days subbing for a classroom. I thought I could handle it. But triggers are real. The first day, I saw one of the kids’ birthdays was around the time of my would have been due date. And I lost it. Good thing it was lunch time and no one was around.

That was the first thing. Second thing was starting to work for another family on Sundays as a nanny. They had a little toddler boy and a four month old baby. It was so healing being around a baby. It really helped me realize that I had convinced myself I had not been pregnant at all. I had a realization on the way to work one day that I had physically felt myself miscarry, so why was I telling myself otherwise? Because the doctor said so? Because the test was so faint? Whatever the reason, in that split second, I knew that wasn’t right and that I had been pregnant and I was hopeful to be once again.

It was and is a hard road to healing for me. Every year in October since that October, I have a rough time. I remember that day. I will always remember that day. I see butterflies around this time of year and I feel like they are that little one I lost too soon. They fly around me and W as if to say, “I’m here, just not in human form”. It’s bittersweet when they fly around W.

Each October will be hard, but they will be less hard as the years pass. So, here’s to the mamas who have lost a baby, are going through a loss or have a loved one experiencing a loss. Just be there for them. Don’t try to fix it. I know it hurts now and it feels like you lost everything. It will feel like that. Know that they will always live on in your heart and mind and they will always be your baby.


Published by Empowered Mama Coach

Hi, I'm Valerie! I am a Postpartum Empowerment Coach here to help guide you through the new journey of motherhood! Here I will share what I have learned, give tips on how to be more present in life and show you that you can stop sleepwalking through your life and start living it!

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