I have been thinking about this post for a long time; pretty much since I started writing my blog again in February. I knew this was one of the topics I wanted my page to focus on so I knew a blog post about this would be soon after I started. What I didn’t know is that I’d add on another miscarriage this year.
If you know me personally, you know that my husband and I struggled to get pregnant before we had W. We started trying in March 2017 and I finally got pregnant in January 2018 but had a chemical pregnancy (a pregnancy that is lost within the first six weeks) at five weeks. I was devastated. When we went to the hospital to see what was going on, the doctor basically made me feel like it was all in my head and I was never pregnant. I was depressed, it felt like it was never going to happen. It took the entire spring of grieving and summer to early fall to accept and understand that it wasn’t all in my head.
I went to two women’s circle gatherings, where women gather together and take turns saying whatever we need to say without interrupting, we pull tarot cards and do an exercise or activity. When I went to the first one, it was soon after my miscarriage and I told the room that I was trying to accept that I had been pregnant and not blame my body for the chemical pregnancy. After my miscarriage, I learned that 70% of early pregnancies end the same way, a lot of people just don’t know they are pregnant and think they are starting their cycle. I also found out that many of my family and friends had experienced the same thing.
I have had horrible body image problems my whole life. A nickname I earned in my family was “blubs” even though I was not fat in the slightest. I had, and still have, an emotional eating problem and indulge myself way too much. I have also struggled with irregular cycles my entire life which makes trying to conceive that much harder. You can’t predict when things are going to happen and you end up missing your chance. So on top of my already existing body image issues I was then struggling and the fact that it took me so long to get pregnant and then I lost the pregnancy. That being said, when I said to the room I was trying to accept my body it was a big step forward for me.
In September 2018, I was convinced I was never going to get pregnant and we would have to adopt. That my body just couldn’t sustain a full term pregnancy and it would never happen. In my last effort to get pregnant, I went gluten free, dairy free, cut back on sugar and caffeine and began to exercise more. The last thing I hadn’t tried was losing weight so I gave it my best shot. If it didn’t happen on its own that way, we would have to go to get help from a doctor. October 10, 2018 I found out I was pregnant with W.
When I went to the second circle gathering, I had just found out I was pregnant a week earlier, which was four days before the lost baby’s due date. I got to tell the circle (some of the women were there the previous time) a little apprehensively that I was pregnant, it was such a great feeling. It was too early to tell a bunch of people so getting to go there and say it out loud was such an amazing thing. I will tell my pregnancy after loss story in another post, this post is dedicated to the two babies I never got to meet.
This March I had my second chemical pregnancy, much to our shock. We were not trying and because of my irregular cycles, it happened when we didn’t think it could. It is so weird to think that W has a big sibling and a little sibling that we all will never meet. They are just butterflies who visit from time to time, checking up on us.
I was feeling this second loss last night and realized I would be fourteen weeks at this point. It has been a month of losses for me this year and I am mentally burnt out. I wasn’t sad or anything but I was just longing for that baby. Sometimes the longing is the worst because you know it will never come to be. But we pick ourselves up and carry on as best we can until it is just a memory. Then we think fondly on it and look for signs of them around us.
In October, right around when my first lost baby would have been born, W and I were outside crunching in the leaves when a little butterfly came and flew around W’s head. And for a moment, I just had this feeling that it was his older sibling come to check on their little brother and mama. And that might not be the case, but it helps me to see those little moments in life. To feel like those babies will come to check on us from time to time.