I hope you are doing well. I know it has been extremely hard for me to get my mind and heart back to normal since you decided to move on from our friendship. I see little proof of your friendship everyday in my life. When I make some instant coffee, I think of last summer when you told me it was the best quick drink. When I go to get a mug, I see the one you gifted me for Christmas that one year. Before this break up I would drink out of it when I wanted to feel close to you, now I have to bypass it because it just reminds me of you.
I have been struggling keeping my depression at bay with this huge change in my life. I have been doing better but those first two weeks after that last time we spoke, I was a mess. I would cry if I thought about you or told someone about what happened. Since then, it’s been a struggle. One night when I got home from my visit to Ohio, I woke up in a panic attack because my heart and mind could not believe that we weren’t friends. It has been hard for my brain to logically to accept it and my heart hurts so much, knowing I have to move on. Sometimes I have really great days and really bad days. I am hoping that putting these thoughts and feelings into words it will help with my healing.
I have been thinking about how you feel. Are you feeling a little load off not having to worry about what I will say about your choices? I always tried to be respectful but I never was anything but myself with you, from the beginning. I always thought you would understand that even if we have different beliefs that we would always come back to each other. When you made the choice to cut me off, did you cry? Did your heart hurt too? Do you see little things that remind you of me?
There’s so much I want to say to you and I wish I could. I would first say I love you and I hope you’re doing okay. I would ask next how your baby is. I so wanted to get to meet him when I visited and it hurts even more that I didn’t. I wanted to see our sons play together so badly and that is another loss I will have to process. My one friend said she had someone close to her not want to be friends either and she said it was worse than a break up with a boyfriend. And I have to agree, this has been the hardest break up I’ve ever gone through.
I never was mad at you throughout this whole month since we last spoke. I was confused mostly and hurt. But I wasn’t the one who was pulling the trigger on this, you were. So I hope it has been something you needed in your life. It definitely wasn’t something I needed in my life. When I got home from my trip, I wanted to talk to you about this huge change, but it was you who had caused it and my heart was broken.
Everyday you cross my mind and everyday I hope you are okay. I thought maybe this was a good thing for you, letting me go. Maybe you need to meet someone else to get you through this time in your life so that one day you and I can meet again. Until then, my dear friend, be well, enjoy your family and I hope you find what you are looking for in life. Tonight when I reach for my sparkling water, I’ll think of you and how much you love it too.
I hope we can meet again as friends. I am always here for you, however long that takes.